


champagne for my real friends and real pain for my ham friends

by thelostcolony



Series: The Life and Times of Team Red [2]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Dead Aunt May, Everyone Lives in Matt's Apartment, Humor, Matt Murdock-Guardian, More Potent Grief, Other, Team Dynamics, Team Red, Team as Family, Texting, When you continue to write your RP interactions, more than slight hurt/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 05:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6643966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelostcolony/pseuds/thelostcolony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>peter (not spiderman) parker: i’m finishing a lab and ‘describe two methods for improving the accuracy of the experiment’ and i wrote: ‘not fucking up’ and ‘not fucking up: pt 2’</p><p>hawkass: this is the kind of shit i wanna see at 2 am</p><p>(Or: more groupchat shenanigans.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	champagne for my real friends and real pain for my ham friends

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still apologizing for this
> 
> there are actual things that actually happened in here I have the screenshots to prove it
> 
> Thank you for clicking on this and I hope you enjoy it

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** someone pLEASE TELL ME THEY’VE LISTENED TO HAMILTON

 **hawkass** : SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** Well now you’ve done it.

 **hawkass** : I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** SHOT

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY

 **peter (not spider) parker** : SHOT

 **hawkass** : HE-YO I’M JUST LIKE MY COUNTRY

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** пожалуйста, кто-то дайте мне умереть

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : I’M YOUNG, SCRAPPY AND HUNGRY

 **hawkass** : I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT

 **buck-o** : what is this

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : I’MMA GET A SCHOLARSHIP TO KING’S COLLEGE

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff** : They’ll be at this all day

 **hawkass** : I PROLLY SHOULDN’T BRAG BUT DAG I AMAZE AND ASTONISH

 **matty** : Oh no

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : THE PROBLEM IS I GOTTA LOTTA BRAINS BUT NO POLISH

_Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff has left the conversation._

**hawkass** : I GOTTA HOLLER JUST TO BE HEARD WITH EVERY WORD I DROP KNOWLEDGE

 **steeb** : Why is this happening to us

**___________________**

**matty** : Peter why can I hear the psych theme song coming from your room?

 **matty** : Peter

 **matty** : Don’t make me come in there

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : sorry I’ll stop

 **matty** : It’s been five minutes and there’s been no change when are you planning on doing that

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : one more episode

 **matty** : Peter no

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** please

 **matty** : No

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** please

 **matty** : No

 **themainbird:** listen we all know neither of you are home right now because you’re out vigilante-ing so you can just drop the act you’re not fooling anyone

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** i’m

 **matty** : I plead the fifth

 **hawkass** : how are you a successful lawyer

**___________________**

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** i’m finishing a lab and ‘describe two methods for improving the accuracy of the experiment’ and i wrote: ‘not fucking up’ and ‘not fucking up: pt 2’

 **hawkass:**  this is the kind of shit i wanna see at 2 am

**___________________**

 

 **matty:** So I may have a potential problem

 **hawkass:** what the fuck was that crash

 **matty** : Nevermind

 **steeb** : …Matt did you just fall down the stairs??

 **matty** : No

 **themainbird** : wait for real?? Not an excuse?

 **matty** : It’s nothing

 **steeb** : yeah

 **hawkass** : oh my god he’s at the bottom of the staircase

 **rem** : wHAT

 **hawkass** : hE’S FOLDED IN ON HIMSELF OH MY GOD

 **rem** : PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES

 **matty** : No

 **hawkass** : _[attachment: fhthagmb/jpg]_

 **hawkass** : _[attachment: tsgbotgrs/jpg]_

 **hawkass** : _[attachment: tfhjdtlpg/jpg]_

 **rem** : LOOK AT HIS FACE

 **steeb** : How did his feet swing around his head like that?

 **matty** : Would someone please just help me please

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : oh my god these are hilarious

 **matty** : Peter not you too

 **rem** : I’M FRAMING THESE

 **matty** : Please

 

**___________________**

 

_Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff has been added to the conversation._

**Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff** : Ah, tossed back into Hell.

 **buck-o** : okay but i just listened to hamilton all the way through and???

 **buck-o** : I’m not saying i cried but???

 **rem** : are you fucking kidding me

 **rem:** that’s pathetic

 **buck-o** : FUCK YOU YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MAN WENT THROUGH

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : did you mean: trashcan

 **buck-o** : yeah he was a trashcan

 **hawkass** : Eliza was Too Good for him, Too Pure

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** Eliza was Too Pure for everyone

 **buck-o** : Burn though

 **buck-o:** such a good song

 **buck-o** : And Yorktown, I loved Yorktown it was so good

 **hawkass** : immigrants

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : we get the job done

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** Did you people just add me to the conversation for this specifically or because you’ve been talking about this particular brand of torture for days on end?

 **themainbird:** Nah i added you back in bc there’s only so much stupidity i can take on my own and you’re the cool assassin aunt remember you’re the one who keeps me sane

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff** : Oh, alright. Sam’s my favorite

 **matty** : What about me?

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff** : Maybe stop acting like an eight year old when things don’t go your way and get your shit together and then we can talk

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : 99% of your problems COULD be solved if you were a responsible adult

 **matty** : Says the teenager who frequently claims to be an adult and then does things such as getting stuck in dumpsters

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** okay but remy’s the one who drove jessica jones away because he tried to flirt with her like an asshole

 **steeb** : WHAT

 **matty** : What

 **rem** : fuck you, parker, firstly

 **hawkass** : it was awful

 **hawkass** : one of the worst things i’ve ever seen and i'm me

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** it was disgusting

 **hawkass** : no wonder she left

 **rem** : you people have no proof this even happened, no one else was there

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : okay but

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : no one else was in the room where it happened

 **hawkass** : THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : the room where it happened

 **rem** : wait what

 **buck-o** : I WANNA BE IN THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff** : I hate everyone

_Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff left the conversation._

**themainbird** : I can’t even blame her for leaving I’m

 

**___________________**

 

 **steeb** : Peter are you still awake?

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : finishing up a project

 **steeb** : You should sleep.

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : I just need to finish this thing.

 **steeb** : It’s four am and you have school later.

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : fine, I’ll try. 

 

**___________________**

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** my attempt at sleep was really short lived

 **steeb** : Peter it’s been fifteen minutes

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : yes; I did say ‘short-lived’

 

**___________________**

_petesquad_

_12:35 PM: Today_

**steeb** : Peter’s still not sleeping btw; he was up late last night with nightmares. I could hear him tossing and turning. Should I punish him about the lying thing?

 **rem** : yes thank you mr spangled ass we can read peter did text us in a GROUP chat

 **buck-o** : Don’t worry about moving Aunt May’s stuff; while Matt was at court and everyone was out today I went to Aunt May’s and got some of it.

 **steeb** : That was great of you, thanks, Buck. What’d you get?

 **buck-o** : a blanket, a couple of scrapbooks i found, a few throw pillows, some of peter’s things from his closet, his dad’s bag. put as much of the heirlooms as I could in it.

 **themainbird** : That’s great, thank you. And don't punish him. He's probably just embarrassed anyone knew he was awake at all; probably figured you knew what it was from, anyway. Let him be.

 

**___________________**

_petesquad_

_2:42 PM: Today_

**steeb** : is that what I think it is?

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** Let him be. He’s going through a lot.

 **matty** : He’s crying.

 **rem** : i thought this was going to help him????

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** Let him be.

 **hawkass** : poor kid

 **steeb** : Bucky, where did you put all of Aunt May’s stuff?

 **buck-o** : I laid it out on his bed. Threw the throw pillows at the head. Threw the blanket over his comforter.

 **themainbird** : he’ll be alright.

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff** : Let him be.

**___________________**

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : thank you.

 

**___________________**

 

 **steeb** : I just listened to hamilton all the way through and I'm

 **steeb** : changed

 **buck-o** : I KNOW IT’S SO GOOD

 **hawkass** : but bucky don’t you think it’s perfect

 **hawkass** : i guess you’ll just

 **hawkass** : never be satisfied

 **steeb** : you will never be satisfied

 **buck-o** : God, Steve, I fucking hope you're satisfied with that you fucking punk

 **rem** : oh GOD IT’S SPREADING LIKE A DISEASE

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : you should listen to it

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** it can be for the first and last time

 **steeb** : One last time

 **steeb** : relax have a drink with me

 **hawkass** : ONE LAST TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME

 **buck-o** : let’s take a break tonight

 **themainbird** : There are so many things I regret

 **rem** : i’m leaving this group chat i’m done with this bullshit

 **matty** : But that would mean leaving one of your interests wouldn’t it

 **rem** : YOU KNOW WHAT HORNY

 **matty** : Are you talking about yourself concerning Steve or

 **peter (not spiderman) parker** : my virgin eyes

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** why would this happen to my virgin eyes

 **hawkass** : @god: why

 **hawkass** : _[attachment: tfhjdtlpg/jpg]_

 **rem** : LMFAO I FORGOT MATT FELL DOWN THE STAIRS I STILL HAVE TO PRINT THESE AND PUT THEM ON TSHIRTS

 **matty** : I thought we were on the same team Clint

_themainbird has left the conversation._

**steeb** : teach ‘em how to say goodbye

 ** **peter (not spiderman) parker:** ** that was so well timed what the fuck

 ** **matty:**** language

 ** **steeb:**** was that necessary

 ** **buck-o:**** yes


End file.
